of books and writer's block

So I bought the new John Green book a couple days ago.

Actually, that's a lie.
It's been two weeks, probably.

And I still don't have it yet because unnamed mail company decided to ship it to every city on the face of the planet first. 

I'm not kidding. 

OK, maybe a little.

but no really. I've been tracking it and it's gone from the state on the left of mine, to the state on the right, to a city at the top of my state... and I'm like, "FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD, WHY?" 

Let me share something with you that was said to me this week. 

Someone legitimately told me that they don't trust books because the people who write them misconstrue things. 

Um. 

While it is true that people tend to be big fat liar pants, I would be far more comfortable trusting information that came from a book than word of mouth. 

I mean, think about it. 

Thiiiiink about it. 

You know I'm right. 

Have you ever played telephone? You know, where you tell someone something and they pass it on, etc. until it comes back to you and it's not even remotely close to what it started out as? 

That's basically what happens every time someone "learns" something by word of mouth. People like to make stories more elaborate. 

You can't do that with a book. The words are permanent on the page.

So, writer's block. If I were counting, this would probably be my 3940832094832th post on this topic, yes? 

Close enough.

There's this new slowly spreading phenomena called Word Wars. 

I'm not really sure where it originated, but Friend thinks it was the NaNoWriMo people's idea. 

So anyways, we started doing these a couple years ago and next thing you know, we have tons of other writers in on it too. Pretty much every writer I know uses this method for overcoming writer's block.

Basically, 

1. Get anywhere from 1 to 5000 friends together

2. determine a time limit. EX: 10 minutes

3. set a start time and then write as much as you can for 10 minutes straight

4. stop

5. person with the most word wins

6. It's optional, but it's a good idea to share what you wrote so that you get immediate feedback

7. repeat process

These things are magical. I'm telling you. 

They're also addicting. I don't usually write anymore without hunting someone down to Word War with me first. 

TRY IT. Tell me how it goes. 

I already know you're going to love them, but tell me anyways.
Okay, until next time.

How to Edit a Book

It's been a while since I gave any form of writing advice. I used to do that a lot. I guess I just ran out of helpful things to say. Anyways. Something I've noticed is that a lot of the time when people are giving you writing advice, they're all, “Edit your book, edit your book!” But no one ever really tells you HOW to edit your book. I'm going to tell you how. And actually this could probably also be pretty useful for anything you write. Say, college papers for example because that's basically all I have time to write anymore. 

Here's what you do: BREAK. IT. DOWN. 

Step 1. by sentence.

Ask yourself:

a. What tense is this sentence? 

Sometimes, without even knowing it, you'll find yourself switching from past to present tense. Or maybe that's just me. Either way.

b. Is every word in this sentence absolutely necessary for it to make sense? 

Less is more. Usually. 

Step 2. by paragraph. 

Ask yourself: 

a. Are these complete sentences? 

Now, keep in mind that when people talk, they don't talk in complete sentences 100% of the time. But if it's not dialogue, then it should be complete. Even if it is dialogue, make sure that you have complete sentences every once in a while so that the reader knows the character is capable of forming a complete sentence outside of it being accidental.

b. Are there any run-on sentences? 

This part is pretty self explanatory. I think we all learned in 3rd grade why run-ons are bad.

Step 3. by chapter. 

Ask yourself:

a. What is “smelled” in this chapter? 

b. What is “heard” in this chapter? 

c. What is “tasted” in this chapter? 

d. What is “seen” in this chapter?

e. What is “touched” in this chapter? 

Sensory writing is probably the most important thing ever. Your writing won't be nearly as gripping unless the reader can personally sense what's going on. 

Step 4. highlight.

a. Highlight all words that end in LY in your least favorite color. 

Try to destroy that color. AKA: get rid of the LY words.

b. Highlight every character (both their speaking parts and parts where they are mentioned/talked about) in their own individual color. 

Now you have an awesome visual at how appropriate your characters' book times are. (Obvioushint: the main character should have the most color, supporting roles should have much less. If someone only has a line or two of color... maybe consider getting rid of them. Clearly they're not all that important and it's just another character for the reader to remember). 

Then, if you're not ridiculously sick of your book, read it backwards so that you can catch all the misspellings and punctuation errors that neither you nor Microsoft picked up on. If you are ridiculously sick of your book then still do this cause really you're not reading it, you're just looking at it backwards. 

And that's how it's done. I mean, there are actually a kabillion ways to edit a book... but this is mine. It's thorough. It's effective. And it's fool proof. 

Probably. 

After all this, you can send it to friends (before or after returning it to normal colors) and see what they think. 

Voila. You're welcome.

Writing a Chapter Worth Reading

Something everyone wants *cough* needs is to make chapter numero uno the best that it can be.

Basically because all chances of you ever getting published pretty much rest on its shoulders.

Here are some random tips that have all come out of the mouths of one or more agents at one point in time or another. Yes, I have revised them to make them more reading friendly and less boring in general.



1. Avoid clichés like the plague.
They are the figurative equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard to an agent.

What your book says: “It was a dark and stormy night.”

What the agent sees: “This book is going to suck.”

2. Avoid being unoriginal.
You are pretty much personally flushing your manuscript down the toilet when you use an unoriginal concept.

What your book says: “I’m an original book about a girl who has a secret identity.”

What the agent sees: “Halfway through chapter one you’re going to forget the main character’s name and description and just think Hannah Montana the rest of the way.”


3. Avoid hero nicknames.
If your main character has a name, use the dang thing. Don’t name him Engleburt in chapter one and then call him Burt the rest of the book.
One, it’s confusing.
Two, that’s totally ridiculous and a waste of precious word count. You could have saved yourself that 25 to 50 words and just called him Burt in the first place.

What your book says: “My name is Engleburt, but I hate that, so call me Burt.”

What the agent sees: “My parents were on crack when they had me, Call me Burt and get confused the rest of the time because Engleburt and Burt don’t even start with the same letter.” 


4. Stay away from dream scenes/prologues as an opening.
It makes a reader feel cheated.

What your book says: “This is a beautiful dream scene and/or prologue that is important in the last chapter of the book only.”

What the agent sees: “SYKE! You just wasted ten minutes of your life reading this and getting a feel for the book when really, 95% of the book doesn't even have the same feel.”


5. Avoid making your first chapter look like you're reading the character's doctor records.
Ancestors, hair and eye color, height, weight, facial descriptions, medical conditions, these can all be woven into the actual story.

What your book says: “I’m establishing backstory.”

What the agent sees: “You’re getting sleeeeepy.” 

6. Keep your opening clean.
You want your opening to be original, but don’t do something tasteless.

What your book says: “I’m the first book in history to start out with a character peeing off the deck!”

What the agent sees: “There’s a reason I’m the first book in history to start with a character peeing off the deck.”


7. Don’t open a book like it’s a letter to your reader.
That’s just weird.

What your book says: “I’m fun and cute and I’m going to address my readers so they feel like part of the story.”

What the agent sees: “I see you sitting there on your bed reading this book. I’m incredibly creepy and you now feel like someone is watching you.”


8. Save the small talk for when you visit grandma.
Avoid opening with the weather or something else that would lead to small talk and not much else.

What your book says: “This is probably foreshadowing.”

What the agent sees: “The character is making small talk with me, I suddenly have a heightened sense of awareness involving my age, and this conversation most likely won’t lead to anything constructive.” 

9. Don’t kill a character in chapter one.
Just say N-O to drugs and dead characters.

What your book says: “It was important that this person died here.”

What the agent sees: “HA! I just wasted ten minutes of your life making you like this guy and then I killed him.” 



There it is, do's and don't. Of course these are the rules and not the exception. Sure, maybe you are incredibly talented and can make one or all of the above work. If you feel brave enough, shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the SlushPile.

Happy Day of Birth!

Happy day of birth, little blog.

I baked a cake in honor of my blog's birthday.

Actually that's a lie. 

I had no idea I was going to make this blog when I made the cake. 

I really made the cake simply because I wanted cake. 

But it sounds better to say that it was a celebratory cake. 

Yes. Yes my cake DOES have a mustache. 

My cake is more sophisticated than your cake. 

Also, I feel like this post should be even cooler than all the other ones ever. 

So here's a tip for you, 

Don't play in traffic.

OK, just kidding.

Well, I'm not... you really shouldn't play in traffic, but that wasn't your tip.

This is your tip:

Constructive criticism: it's your best friend. 

Seek it where it can be found. Friends, teachers, parents, etc. 

This is the only way to get better. I mean, of course you can get a little better in other ways.

But seriously, constructive criticism is the most effective learning tool on planet earth.

I'm not entirely sure the above sentence is factual. 

But it's close, so we're good. 

And now a random blogger story: 

Someone suggested that I become a stand-up comedian. 

Interesting. 

"I'll consider it," I told them. 

Well, I've considered it and I must respectfully laugh at the thought. 

I'm flattered by your suggestion, random citizen, but I couldn't be a stand-up comedian because that requires two things I'm not very good at: 

Standing up and being funny. 

Enjoy your day, readers, and I shall now go enjoy cake. 

Because cake.